


You gotta let it hurt to let it go

by manubibi



Category: Free!
Genre: Break Up, Casual Sex, Cheating, Gen, Literally everything that is wrong in the world, M/M, Protectiveness, Rin is a bit OOC sorry, this hurt my soul to write you'd better appreciate it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2018-03-12 06:16:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3346619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manubibi/pseuds/manubibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"Your fucktoy Ryuugazaki got Matsuoka's ass. Gotta hand it to him, he finally got it on with someone who's more of a REAL man than you haha!!"</i><br/>Nagisa reads those words over and over, and he knows he should not let anonymous words over social networks carve so deep into him, but still.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You gotta let it hurt to let it go

" _Your fucktoy Ryuugazaki got Matsuoka's ass. Gotta hand it to him, he finally got it on with someone who's more of a REAL man than you haha!!_ "

Nagisa reads those words over and over, and he knows he should not let anonymous words over social networks carve so deep into him, but still. Rei's been missing from school for a couple of days, and Nagisa has not thought much of it, because... Well, he is allowed to be ill, or that is what he told him over the phone, anyway. This person did not even have the courage to use their real name, so there is really no reason to take them seriously.  
And then Nagisa has the clear feeling that he is a bad person, because if he was as trustful as he says he is, he would not think twice about it. He has had so many reasons to think Rei would not do something like that. Especially knowing that Nagisa is very insecure about himself, about his identity, about his body. But this person being rude to him has hit the exact spot that he is sensitive about.  _More of a real man than you. More of a man. Better than you. You are worth nothing_.  
Why would anyone be this mean to him? Why would anyone send him something like that? And why is he reading those words over and over, letting them dig deep into him?  
There is only one way to put this to sleep, anyway.  
  
Rei is staring at his phone, not knowing who to call first. Rin-san? Nagisa-kun? He has painful discussions to have with both. And Rin should be feeling the same, because he was the one to start it. Too much alcohol and two horny boys made a mistake way too easy to commit.   
But it felt so good, even if it was so wrong. The marks Rin's teeth have left on him are still burning on his delicate skin, and with an unwilling jolt he does remind himself of how nice it had felt, and of how different the Samezuka's captain's body felt under his hands. Of how exciting he was to get into, of how much more tonic his muscles felt under his hands, and of how great it was to thrust into someone who did not feel like something different than a man.   
And yet, he ends up calling nobody. He knows the sooner he tells Nagisa, the better, but he cannot bring himself to. He does not want to break his heart, even though he keeps repeating himself that if he really cared he would not have fucked his friend. When he remembers about his boyfriend's insecurities, he takes his glasses off, bursting in tears. And while he does so, he remembers the night before. He had gotten so drunk, at Samezuka. It was illegal, and breaking the rules had also felt so exciting. And he was in Rin's dormitory, while Sousuke was exercising, even though Rin had been concerned for him. He had figured out a few days before that something was wrong with him. And then Rei had happened, asked whether he had some alcohol. Because he had decided he wanted to try feeling less restrained by himself. And the other had just stared at him for a while, openly surprised, before revealing his hidden stash. Hey, some hid porn magazines under their bed, he was allowed to have a drink every so often.  
And then things had taken a rollercoaster rhythm. They had listened to each other talk about their worries, and about the future, and about sex. The topic had popped out when Rei had started blabbering about Nagisa, and about how honestly bored he had gotten with him. Rin had raised an eyebrow, wondering how anyone could get bored of someone so hyper-active. But after a few more sips and then shots, Rin had finally revealed, "you know, you're sorta cute. Under all those layers of nerd, you're actually kinda hot, no wonder Nagisa's got the hots for ya."  
And Rei had stared, absolutely taken aback.  
"Ya know, when we fought outside of Samezuka... y'know, last year, I would've totally fucked you. You're hot when you're mad, Ryuugazaki." He had probably spoken without any restraint, and without realizing what he was actually thinking.  
Rei had kept his eyes on him, processing - very slowly - those words. And just then, shutting out reason for one god damned time, he had lunged forward, crushing his lips on the other's, which had torn a surprised moan out of Rin. But he had not been rejected.   
Rei had thought very similar things. Rin could look scary, sometimes, but he could also be really sensitive. Which Nagisa was not. In all honesty, he did not appear to be very gentle with words, even though he was immensely kind with gestures. But Rin was somewhat gentle with words, and not very much with actions. And that was a combination that worked better for Rei.   
They had ended up tangled with each other on Sousuke's bed, scrambling to take off each other's clothes, and Rei had shoved his hands through Rin's hair while kissing him, letting his sharp teeth graze against his tongue, bite on his lip to the point of making him bleed, and Rei had loved every second of it in his drunk daze. And then someone had knocked while Rei was thrusting into the older red-haired boy, and both had shouted to get the fuck away, Sousuke had slammed for a few minutes and then left clearly angry, and both had ran to the point of tears while Rin rolled his hips to thrust against Rei, and Rei had moaned so excitedly loud that both had gone silent again, Rin staring wide-eyed. And then he had pulled Rei down to cling on him and from that point it had been vertigo, both bodies moving frantically to reach their respective peak. And Rei had come first, feeling himself empty into the condom, while Rin still had stamina to go on for a handful of seconds more and after he had come with brief and repetitive spurts he had whispered Sousuke's name.   
And it was all so wrong. It had brought Rei back to reality. He had forgotten all about Nagisa. All about him. And all about himself. Which was sort of the point of binge drinking, and yet while pulling out he felt his head spin. When had he become so irresponsible? When had he decided he wanted to get drunk, in a desperate way even?   
When had he become a cheater?   
Maybe somewhere in between of his committment to Nagisa and the place where all of his boyfriend's quirks had started to seriously irritate him, and yet he had never said a word about it. Because, rationally, he had always thought he loved Nagisa for those things as well.   
Being a teenager, he realized, was made of hurting and hurting others. Still, it would be absolute hell, facing Nagisa.   
  
Especially now that he is sitting in front of Rei's house, with his cellphone in his tiny hands. He looks nothing like his usual self, and Rei is just coming back from doing grocery shopping, and his first instinct is to tell him to cover up. But it is clear that Nagisa does not want to hear anything but the words 'no, I have not cheated on you'. He says nothing, which is unusual, alarmingly unusual, and all he does once he notices Rei is there is raising his cellphone to make him read that message.   
How did anybody know about it? Would anyone at Samezuka Academy really tell on them? In such a rough way?  
Rei tries to keep his face controlled, and even attempts to scoff and laugh at that. But it sounds metallic, fake, inexpressive. Which is when Nagisa just  _knows_.  
"Did it feel good?" He asks, with his voice trembling, and his eyes empty, staring at the floor.  
Silence.  
"Was it better than anything I gave you? Because if it was, you can just go back and fuck Rin's ass. I don't give a shit, Rei."  
And there are several shocking things. Language, first. Rei has never heard Nagisa curse before. And then manners. He has never heard him drop honorifics either. He is legitimately angry, but most of all he instantly knows how hurt he is, and how desperately he is trying to hide it. But he does not get a chance to reply, because then Nagisa steps up on his feet, getting all in his face with the hardest pair of eyes Rei has ever seen.   
"You can go back and fuck Rin's ass. He's more of a man than me, right? I'm a fucking annoying little spoilt brat, right? So exactly, why aren't you telling me to go kill myself or something?"  
He is self-pitying, and that is so unlike him that in a corner of his mind, Rei thinks this isn't Nagisa-kun.   
He cries exactly like Nagisa-kun, though. The way he holds his tears back despite the fact that they are going to spill out, break Rei's soul in a billion pieces and then leave them both on the ground with nothing, that is sort of impressive. Because Nagisa's face looks completely red, almost swollen, and his eyes are lucid.  
  
"I did not mean to--" He starts, in a low voice. _Yes you meant to_.   
"Fuck you, Rei. Don't even try and begin with that apologetic shit, because I know you did it, and I know you're not sorry. So just tell it to me like it is. Hurt me like you always meant to."  _Because now I want to get over you_.  
"I was drunk," Rei tries again, with his chest turning so cold penguins could appear around them. He has got a very upset one in front of him, anyway.   
"That's just a fucking excuse. Tell me, then. Tell me my body sucks, _I_ suck, and I'm unbearable, and actually too annoying for you to stand, because even though I know, I need you to say it," Nagisa shoots him down again, and if Rei was not trying to desperately get their pieces back together he would admire the way the blond still is keeping it together. In his place, he would probably be throwing a proper fit, yelling in the middle of the street. But it's his calm that is lode-worthy. Except, there is nothing to reward, and nothing to congratulate each other for.   
And Nagisa has made some points that Rei agrees with. Yes, he is absolutely annoying as hell, and exhausting to be with. But he does not suck. And his body might be tiny and not developed, might look like a weird crossover between an adult body and a child's one which is what adolescence is about after all, but it does not look bad, or feel unpleasant to touch.  
"I need to get over you," Nagisa adds, and now his voice is starting to break, his control seems to be lost now, and his lips quiver with the sobs he is holding back even though there is no way in hell that he will not tear up any second now. Knowing this, Rei takes a step forward, but the smaller puts his hands against him, pushes him back with all his strength, and then it comes.  
A punch, square on Rei's jaw. It hurts for both. The pain coming from Nagisa's knuckles finally unleashes the tears, and he acts the way he always has: he loses his restraint.   
His crying is loud, more like a baby wail, and that sounds so much like him that it feels like things never changed, however they have. And Rei can do nothing, possibly, except look, let those tears wreck him into nothing.   
After a few seconds, Nagisa's tears turn into an almost sinister laughter. That is the last thing that should be happening, and yet he just sits back again, with his face hidden by his palms, and laughs madly even though tears are spilling through his fingers.  
Rei lets confusion petrify him in place, and then the next stab get right to his heart, right where  _everything_  is.   
"And to think you told me I'm cute."  
"And to think you told me I was beautiful."  
"And you never thought any of it."  
And that is too much now. None of those implications are true. It is a fact that now he is not sure about how he feels, but those things are still true. Those things are still things he is a hundred percent sure of.  
"I still think that," he replies, even though he knows nothing will be sufficient for Nagisa to believe him.   
  
"I don't believe you."  
Nagisa finally lifts his head, with his fluffy soft hair scruffed by his own hands.   
"If you actually cared about me, you wouldn't have done it, none of it, you would've stayed home and not gone training at the enemy's."  
Since when Iwatobi and Samezuka are enemies?   
"I'm dropping off the swimming team. Find yourselves another breast stroke," Nagisa continues, colder and colder while he stabs Rei and himself with words.   
" _After all, I'm easily replaceable_."   
  
That is what Nagisa thinks?  
  
"That's not true," Rei mutters, getting close again. "Listen, I'm a bad person for having done this to you. I'm bad. I'm unforgivable, so stop saying that about yourself--" He starts, trying to shake the blond off. He would rather getting punched a hundred times than hear that last sentence once again. And still, the smaller keeps still, even though it is clear that all the pain he is feeling is getting bottled up.  
"Punch me again, but do not say those things about yourself."  
"Why not? It's the truth, and you know it. I suck. I'm a deformity, I'm just a fucking insignificant fart of a guy, am I not? I should be bigger, I shouln't look like a baby but still---!"  
Rei slaps him, really hard, and he knows he has no right to. But that only makes Nagisa stay still for a few moments, and then he definitely loses every control he had, tackling Rei to the ground. And he punches down on him until blood is on his knuckles, even after that.   
"Fuck you, Rei," he whispers, trembling as he looks at his hands which pulse with pain. He is so not used to punch people, in fact he has never done anything like that. "I'm over you, just like you're clearly over me. And this doesn't need to get any more dramatic. It's done, it's over, you're a piece of shit and I suck. That's how things are, and there is nothing you can say that could change my mind." Again, Nagisa sounds unnaturally calm after this outburst. He stands up, wipes his tears away.  _That's what a real man would do, because real men don't cry_. The only ones he can still rely on, in his mind, are Haruka and Makoto. And while he stumbles away, he decides he is not going to call them. He is going to brew in his grief all alone, because that is what boys are expected to do, is it not?   
  
Seeing him smile in class like nothing happened the next day is what hurts Rei the most. Because despite anything Nagisa might have said, he would rather for him to just let out his pain on him, more than just a few punches. He almost wants him to hurt Rei with words as much as he has hurt himself, and yet he does not. He does not mention anything to anyone.   
So, he does the one thing he dreads to do. He tells Haruka. Haruka cuts right through him. He stares at him with the most venomous look he has ever seen.  
"You did what?" His senpai hisses, sounding almost dangerous in every way. "You did what?" He repeats, frowning while piercing through him. Rei feels all of his fury in the little space between them, he feels the coldness stab his entire body and soul.   
"I cheated on Nagisa-kun," he whispers again, actually willing to have Haruka's disappointment harm him. Because he is the one person he would never want to disappoint, and at the moment Haruka is absolutely bent over on tearing him to pieces.  
"After all he's done for you and for us."   
Nagisa has put the swim club together. Nagisa has made him exponentially happier since they have met. Nagisa has actually wiped that pretentious look off his face substituting it with a saner personality. Nagisa has changed him more than he is currently willing to admit.   
"Yes," he replies nonetheless. "I don't know how to get him to punch me, hurt me, just... let it out."  
"He already is hurting you, isn't he?" Haruka replies. Rei blinks, staring. That is absolutely correct, but it is not the way he wants to be hurt. Because having Nagisa bottle his feelings up and show nothing to the world is simply unbearable. And yet he is doing it because he knows that would drive Rei insane. He is willing to burn down, but also to bring Rei with him.   
"I'll fix this," the blue-eyed older boy then continues, after staring with open disgust at his friend. Because they are still friends, no matter how protective he is of Nagisa.   
  
"Nagisa," Haruka calls, outside of school, after Nagisa has spent the whole time trying to keep himself together.  
"No," he replies softly, knowing exactly what he wants.   
"No, Nagisa, stop," the other insists, grabbing his arm. And the blond knows what he means, he know what he should stop doing, he knows he really should face this entire situation in a healthier way.  
"Stop what?"  
He plays dumb, because that is all he can come up with. His voice trembles, however. He simply wants to teleport in his bedroom where he can give himself the luxury to mope.   
"Stop bottling your feelings up, it's bad for you."  
"And that's exactly why I'm doing it, I wanna hurt Rei in the worst way," he finally spills, with all the coldness he can express with his voice.  
"And he deserves to be hurt, but I won't let you do this to yourself. Let it out," Haruka continues, with a softer voice, softer eyes, and his softness makes Nagisa hug him and then cry again, wail, sob in the middle of the street while the other students walk around them, some staring, other simply ignoring them. And one in particular is looking over them, with a face that looks exactly like the destruction inside of him. And Haruka's look is the sharpest blade of all, while he holds Nagisa close like he wants to shelter him against everything forever.   
And then Rei walks away, with nothing more than a single regretful look.   
Nagisa stops crying gradually, unlike the way he started, while wiping his cheeks, with his head filled with pain, pulsing, aching, and every sound is dull. But Haruka's words are clear.   
"He loves you."  
"It's not true," Nagisa replies, still shaken by sobs.   
"He does, because one mistake cannot erase that."  
Nagisa feels betrayal expand in himself.   
"I just wanna get over him, I just wanna stop hurting."  
"I'll beat him up if it can make you feel better," Haruka replies with the most serious voice, but he gets interrupted before he can finish.  
"No."  
They both stand there with nobody else left to stare at them, and Nagisa keeps shaking his head like he cannot even comprehend the idea of hurting Rei, despite having done nothing but that since he knew.   
"Then stop harming yourself," he gets told like that was any easy.  
Nagisa sees every piece of his world crumble. Because if he is not allowed to deal with it his way, how is he supposed to do it?   
"That's the only way I see to face it, because I don't believe him when he says he's sorry, and I don't believe you when you say he even cares, and I can't just force myself to believe, so really, what's left to believe in?"  
  
"That I care for you," is Haruka's reply, but despite his sincerity and the way he is uncharacteristically opening up, Nagisa looks away like it means nothing for him. It means the world, and is the only thing that has sounded sincere to him since the day before. Still, he refuses to listen.   
"We're going to have a sleepover with Makoto today," Haruka decides, leaving no room for a 'no'.   
The smaller looks down for a few seconds, but he is too tired, too pained to fight. He simply nods, and then gives a little smile, while hugging Haruka again in the softest hold he can manage.  
Makoto will throw a fit, call Rei and yell at him, and Nagisa will secretly be pleased that he still has someone to rely on. And maybe he will get over it, finally. But for now, he knows he will be allowed to rant and let it out with them, say something gross about Rei, be absolutely reckless, because he is already tired of staying silent.   
"Okay."

**Author's Note:**

> MMM WHATCHA SAY. No seriously this hurt my heart to write like i almost cried writing it and I'll need to write something seriously fluffy to get myself back together because IT DESTROYED MY SOUL  
> Nagisa my poor bby he's literally done nothing wrong wHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF  
> oh well it's done. Anyway, well, whatever. I've gotten rid of this plotbunny. UGH.


End file.
